Choices and Decisions

Katherine, I just spent a high energy hour playing with you... and we had lots of fun together! When I saw you started to get tired, rubbing your little eys with your tiny hands, I sat down with you in our big chair in your room, gave you your "good-night" bottle and you fell asleep cuddled up in my arms. This is part of our routine and I miss this special time only on occasion when I have a commitment in the evening.

As you were falling asleep in my arms tonight, I was thinking what I'm not doing because I'm spending time with you, right here, right now. I had an invitation to fly to Toronto at the end of this weekend for a business event. Having a conversation with a friend a few days ago, he said to me "it's too bad you can't make it" and while I knew he understood, after the phone call I found myself wondering, could I have gone, should I have gone? I'm sure I would have had a great time, been spoiled with luxurious food and accommodation, and have had many meaningful conversations. But I would have missed spending time with you. And I know, realistically, I will travel for business sometimes as you are growing up, and sometimes this will mean that we'll be spending some time apart... I'm just not ready for that, not just yet.

You are teaching me that "giving up" an opportunity doesn't really feel like giving up anything when it's for the right reason, and for this weekend, I know it's a choice worth making. As I am typing this blog entry, quietly sitting in your room where you are sleeping deeply now, I can't help but think about how the choices we make every day shape the life we live. We just cannot get caught up in wondering what different outcomes different choices would bring, but we must be confident in our ability to make the right decisions. Just as I am sure I want to be here Sunday evening to kiss you good night and cuddle you to sleep.

Special Moments

Katherine, we're having so much fun together! And you just keep learning, growing and developing at warp speed. Yesterday morning you were in your room on a blanket and I decided it would be nice to roll you from your back onto your front for some tummy time. Just before I did that, I zipped downstairs to grab the video camera (telling myself I take some many pictures of you, I should really take some video too)... So I'm all set with the camera, roll you on your tummy and begin recording, quite honestly concentrating more on making sure you're well in the picuture than on you. In that moment you look up, and roll on your back completely by yourelf for the first time! I wasn't sure what surprised me more... that you rolled over or that I caught it on video.

Later in the afternoon Mark took me out to a coffee place... and one thing you have taught us about going out is to go to a busy place so you can "people watch". So we went to the coffee place that's inside the big bookstore in the mall - always busy and so much to see, hear and smell there for you. After a while you got a bit unsettled, so you and I took a stoll through the bookstore, inevitably ending up in the children's book section. And there I learned that you are quite capable of making decisions of what you do and don't like (I just need to be present in the moment to listen). Just for fun I showed you a book about colours which completely caught your attention. After we put it back and kept strolling, I showed you a few other books (including another colour book I thought was way cuter than the first one), but none of them really seemed to interest you too much. Later on I decided to show you the book again, and again you were captivated by it... so buying you a copy was an easy choice and you are "reading" it with great interest.

You are teaching me that you are your own person, ever so small still, but nevertheless a person with opinions, feelings and the power to make her own choices. Be it choosing when it's the right time to roll over for the first time (thank you for having such perfect timing!!), or be it choosing what books you like. It's my job to protect you, to nurture and love you, but it's also my job to give you the freedom to be yourself so that you can grow up to become a person who makes her choices with confidence and knows that her opinion matters.

Mother's Day

Katherine, yesterday was Mother's Day; my first Mother's day. Thank you for making it a very special day!

Right from the first moment in the morning I felt proud to be a mom - your mom. You did wake up very early, feeling a bit uncomfortable and the food from your bottle did not stay down. Your dad was already by your side and I did jump out of bed too; there we were changing sheets and cleaning your face when you looked at Dad and me, and all of a sudden the happiest smile appeared on your face. Feeling much better again, you were giggling and reaching out to touch us. You dad was laughing and said to me "Happy Mother's Day" and sitting there amongst wet cloths I felt so proud, so privileged to be Mom - I'm not joking... it was such a perfect family moment - filled with love and genuine care for each other.

We spent the whole day together as a family, including a fabulous lunch out and an even more fabulous walk to the beach... I still had a smile on my face when I fell into bed exhausted at the end of the day.

You are teaching me that the perfect day is the one we choose to make perfect. When we went out for lunch you were unsettled, so we took a walk around the parking lot and strolled into some stores, until you were calmer - lunch is fabulous at 2 pm when it's Sunday and there is no schedule. Things may not always go exactly to plan but we're able to do anything when we do it together - and that makes for a perfect day!

Smiles, Laughs and Giggles

Katherine, when you smile, the world (and the people) around you light up. You have a very special gift to brighten people’s days in an instant with your gorgeous smile that stretches across your face and makes your beautiful blue eyes sparkle.

I have to admit, I’ll do anything to make you laugh… I’ll hug you, make funny noises and faces or give you a big kiss. Often you reward me by grinning widely from ear to ear (and if you throw in a giggle too… well, I can’t help myself but giggle with you). But some moments, I don’t need to do anything – you just look in my eyes and smile; those are moments full of love and connection and I they are etched into my heart forever.

You are teaching me that laughing more, sometimes over silly things, gets me to take myself – and the people around me – not so seriously. Life feels much lighter when I laugh and smile more; I feel happier, am less stressed and seem to cope much easier with the little curve balls life throws me. And you are teaching me that giving away a heartfelt smile to a partner, a friend or even a complete stranger, costs nothing more than a moment and often means everything.

A Walk on the Bright Side of Life

Katherine, today we went for a beautiful walk in the sunshine… your dad, you and me. As the weather is getting warmer, the walks we take become a lot more fun (even though you have been a good sport over the last few months when I took you out to experience quite cold Canadian winter days).

Talking a stroll down to the beach as a family was so much fun – you are exploring the world from the view of your stroller. Looking from daddy to me and back as we are walking you giggle and “talk” and once in a while you go silent, just taking it all in – the sights, the noises, the smells.

Spending time together as a family - life really doesn’t get much better than that.

You are teaching me that having a great time doesn’t need to be complicated. Watching you be joyful, watching your daddy pushing your stroller in circles to make you giggle, getting a big smile from you as we arrive at the beach – spending time together with the ones we love is a life well lived.

Learning New Things

Katherine, oh, you are 3 months old today! As you are learning rapidly about your new world, I can’t get over how much you have taught me in the last weeks and months…

And I don’t just mean those wonderful life lessons which make me smile every day, but I have been able to add some very practical skills to my repertoire of things in life that I can do now. I always thought of myself as a pretty efficient multi-tasker, but I have reached new heights by doing what I am doing with you cuddled up to me (yes, even writing this blog as you are sleeping in my arms right now). One of the skills that stand out to me… diaper changing. I have definitely become a pro at diaper changing – a skill I did not have at all 3 months ago (and I mean I was completely clueless in the beginning, but lots and lots practice over the past months has greatly enhanced my abilities…and you are very committed to this and give Mark and me many opportunities for training, both day and night).

You are teaching me that learning new skills is something I want to do continuously and always (… and yes, that even includes learning how to change a diaper). I know that it will be a long journey of learning as I help you grow up, and I’m sure I will make mistakes along the way…
but be patient with me and let’s giggle together about all the things that don’t go perfectly on the first try.

PS: I love you... always and forever. I know I tell you every day, but today I wanted to make sure I don't just say it, but also write it down for you.

Love of Books

Katherine, you are becoming so much more aware and are just a joy to be around. I love teaching you new things and you are eager to learn. I love reading books to you and even though you can’t even hold the books, let alone read them of course, you keep being captivated by the stories I read to you. We have accumulated quite a nice little library of baby story books. You are fascinated by the sound of the words and I can’t get enough of reading book after book to you again and again. The rhymes make you giggle, the story holds your interest, and best of all we get to spend time together. You now even have your own soft, crinkling book, colourful and complete with a rubbery area you can chew on (ah, who says books are just for reading?).

When I read to you before bedtime, you often fall asleep in my arms. And instead of just putting you to bed right away, I continue our cuddle time and I quietly put your story book aside - and pick up a “grown-up” book; often they are business books or non-fiction books as I love reading of other people who dare to dream big (and follow through with their ideas, letting nothing stop them) … I have bought many books, eager to read them and ready to learn from them, but over the last year or so I found myself always was too busy to actually get started. Yes, I know that sounds ironic – life before you wasn’t nearly as busy as it is now, yet now I find much more time to read than I did before you were born. Let me rephrase that… now I make a choice that I want to read and I therefore I make the time to do so.

You are teaching me that reading is an important part of my life. I used to love to read book after book (and I remember when I was a kid, I often would read long past my bedtime because I got so captivated by the stories), but then someday, quietly, life being life happened and got in the way, and I drifted away from spending hours at a time devouring books. By reading to you, you have rekindled my love for reading and I hope I get to pass this passion on to you and we get to share many moments reading together.